Heart Whispers in the Waiting Season
I’m tempted to say 2019 killed my desire to write and 2020 has cremated it. I’m tempted to become bitter at the time I spent growing my craft. Hours and hours that probably add up to months and months I could have devoted to my family, especially during the tender years of early childhood. I’m tempted to become angry at God for planting this desire in my heart that never seemed to lead anywhere. And for taking it away right as I seemed to be getting somewhere.
I spend a lot of time talking with God about this. Talking might be a gentle way of describing what is really spats of anguish and anger, doubt and denial, all while craving comfort, direction, and certainty. One of my favorite ways to pray is to write a letter to God. I have this journal that is also a coloring book. I write my letter and then I color. As I’m coloring, I’m listening for heart whispers; I’m quieting the frenzy of my spirit so that I may listen for God’s quiet voice. I write down whatever comes to mind, hoping that some of it might be God responding.
After writing a letter recently I did not get whispers in my heart. I got the idea to put on music – meditation music on YouTube. I picked the first one on my screen.
As I was coloring, I saw a scripture on the screen:
Those who wait in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.
I’ve always loved that scripture and felt encouraged. I colored some more and listened for heart whispers. None came. The only thought I had was, check the screen. Psalm 27:14 now appeared.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and courageous.
Wait for the Lord.
(Did I mention I’m reading a book that a sister returned to me, which I forgot I loaned to her? It’s called, When God Says Wait.)
Coloring again, I begin to think about how I feel like I’ve been on the timeout bench for a long time. A third scripture pops up. Psalm 37:7. It starts with, Be silent before the Lord and WAIT expectantly for Him. But then it tells me, Do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way…
In my letter I confessed how I compare myself to other women who seem to be able to do it all and do so much good. I get jealous. I resent myself and how little I do that feels meaningful.
Fourth scripture Isaiah 30:18 – it ends with All who WAIT PATIENTLY are happy.
In my letter, I asked God to renew my mind, to fill me with His truth and purpose. Message received. I turn the phone over. I don’t need to see anymore scriptures. I get it. Keep waiting. Patiently. How? And where is He leading me? A little clarity leads to more questioning. I guess my patience needs some work too!
The cherry on top: A few days later I received a card from a sister-in-Christ. Inside was a slip of paper. It began with, “Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.”
So, here I sit. On God’s timeout bench. Listening for the heart whispers. Working on being obedient to His Spirit (like writing this. Mmhmm. I catch the irony.) When will I know He’s calling me in? What do I do in the waiting? Maybe that’s a discussion for another time. Let me know if you’re in timeout too. I’ll enjoy the company.